24 things estate agents say – and what they really mean


Just for a bit of fun, here are 24 things estate agents say – and what they really mean:

  1. Bijou – A tiny boxroom
  2. Cash buyers only – No bank in its right mind would lend on this
  3. Compact – Glorified cupboard
  4. Convenient for transport links – Feel the walls shake as a train passes
  5. Cosy – No more than one person per room at a time
  6. Close to good schools – Can get there in 10 minutes, if you drive like Lewis Hamilton
  7. Easily-maintained garden – Concrete as far as the eye can see
  8. Full of history – Doesn’t have electricity or running water
  9. No onward chain – Somebody died in there
  10. No photo available – The stuff of nightmares
  11. Peaceful location – God’s waiting room
  12. Perfect for a first time buyer – We know you can’t afford to be choosy
  13. Period property – Derelict and possibly haunted
  14. Popular area – You’ll be squashed in like sardines
  15. Put your own stamp on it – Half-built
  16. Renovation required – Watch your money magically disappear
  17. Rural – There is nothing there, except maybe some sheep
  18. Viewing recommended – The outside looks like something Stig of the Dump would reject
  19. Pied-à-terre – Fancy French phrase for cosy. See 5.
  20. Quirky – Nothing matches and the doors are four-foot high
  21. Three-bedroomed property – Two bedrooms and a cupboard where you could fit a sleeping bag… just
  22. Reduced for a quick sale – There has been no interest at all
  23. Within walking distance – If you have a spare five hours
  24. Sought-after area – Ridiculous price


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